This is a compilation of actual (allegedly) student bloopers collected by teachers.
– Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Desert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
– Solomom had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
– The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them, we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
– Acutally, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
– Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
– In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the Java.
– Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
– Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus”.
– Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
– Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonised by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
– In medieval times, most people were illeterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
– Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
– Queen Elizabeth was the ‘Virgin Queen’. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted “hurrah”!
– It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Franccis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
– The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
– Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote ‘Donkey Hote’. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote ‘Paradise Lost’. Then his wife died and he wrote ‘Paradise Regained’.
– During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
– Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
– One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the fact that the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contended Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided aginst itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
– Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
– Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
– Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
– Beethoven wrote music even though he was dead. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.