Video – Blue’toothed’ conversation

A funny advertisement with a techno twist to the comedy of errors.

Video – Linemen vs Mouse Pointer

Quite a creative and funny video with some great Flash animation. 

Operation Chimp

The Tribune carried a hilarious incident of shifting an ape to a zoo as recalled by journalist Donald Banerjee. I guess I must be having a really big grin while reading this piece. Read it below and this is the link.

“Operation chimp”
by Donald Banerjee

THE Chhat Bir Zoo had just acquired a chimpanzee on a barter basis.

A number of journalists had gathered to witness “operation chimp” — release of the ape into its new home.

The vehicle carrying the ape entered the primate enclosure. The chimpanzee covered its face with its big palms as cameramen clicked with flash guns.

A number of zoo attendants were at hand to carry out the operation.

A tranquiliser shot saw the chimpanzee sit back. It got up and rubbed its eyes, giving a stare at those present. Then it walked unsteadily in the small case before collapsing.

Six attendants lifted the unconscious chimpanzee. It was heavy. One of the attendants lowered the animal for a better hold. All this time the then zoo director, Dr Vinod Sharma, repeatedly told them to hurry up as he feared the tranquiliser effect may wear off.

The attendant holding the right hand of the chimpanzee suddenly noticed a glint in the eyes of the ape. But before he could sound an alert, the chimp dug its teeth into the attendant’s thumb.

The attendant screamed. He gave a punch on the primate’s face and pulled out his bleeding thumb.

All hell broke loose as the attendants dropped the animal and ran.

Everyone was for himself. Photographer Karam Singh darted into the empty cage, meant for the chimp, and bolted it from inside.

I climbed up the enclosure housing the cages at a speed that would have put even the monkeys to shame. Two more journalists followed me up.

From my high perch I had a clear view of the goings on. Two of the cameramen had rushed out and could be seen 200 metres away.

It was a trying time for the zoo director. He stood near the chimpanzee which was standing on its two legs with a dazed look.

He knew of the danger the chimpanzee could pose to the mediamen. Time was short as the effect of the tranquiliser shot was dying.

Soon a second tranquiliser shot was ready. A perfect aim and the dart hit the thigh of the animal. The chimpanzee let out a cry, and moved towards the iron grill of the enclosure we had climbed up. It grasped the grill for some time. But then slowly it spread out on the floor as the tranquiliser began to take effect.

The second-time unconscious primate was carried into the cage which cameraman Karam Singh had made his temporary abode.

“Operation chimp” was over.

Posted in Humor. 2 Comments »

Monoface – funny pics of face mashups

I came across this website for Mono, an advertising agency. They have a section which generates funny mashups of different facial features. The Monoface website can be accessed here. A sample is below.

Monoface

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Living Life Backwards?

This one is for those “complaining types” who don’t feel that life is giving them a fair deal 😉

Sometime back I recieved an SMS from a friend. The gist of that message was that life would have been more fun if it ran backwards … kind of like the video of Enigma’s song which had an unicorn running backwards (maybe it was “Loss of Innocence”). Anyway, I found this thought to be interesting and googled the idea. Predictably, a lot of blogs and joke sites have this thing uploaded. I’m still not sure about the source but maybe this was discussed on the “Seinfield” too.

Post Edit: I have found the original quote by comedian/actor George Carlin. Thanks to Bob Janes site here.

George Carlin once said:

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it?
A Death. What’s that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first; get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out because you’re too young,
you get a gold watch and you go to work.
You work forty years
until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party,
you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school,
you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby,
you go back into the womb,
spend your last nine months floating
and you finish off as an orgasm.

I wonder how many people would like the idea of starting dead and ending orgasmically!

This might be my last post in the year 2006 … so here is wishing you all a very happy and prosperous 2007 !!

Funniest bloopers by students!

This is a compilation of actual (allegedly) student bloopers collected by teachers.

– Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Desert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

– Solomom had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

– The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them, we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

– Acutally, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

– Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

– In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the Java.

– Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

– Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus”.

– Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

– Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonised by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

– In medieval times, most people were illeterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

– Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

– Queen Elizabeth was the ‘Virgin Queen’. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted “hurrah”!

– It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Franccis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

– The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

– Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote ‘Donkey Hote’. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote ‘Paradise Lost’. Then his wife died and he wrote ‘Paradise Regained’.

– During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina,  the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

– Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

– One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the fact that the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contended Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided aginst itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

– Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

– Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

– Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

– Beethoven wrote music even though he was dead. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

Nau Baj Gaye Kya?

Well, everyone makes mistakes. Mine was that I sat in front of the TV to have my dinner while one of my Mom’s favourite serials, viz ‘Des Mein Nikla Hoga Chand‘, was on. Now as it happens, I find these ‘GHARELU’ serials utterly idiotic. I can’t understand how can anyone with even an iota of intelligence and common sense can stand these. This doesn’t means that I doubt my mom’s common sense or intelligence, who is quite worldly wise. (If she finds out that I wrote all this about HER serial, my blogging career will meet the same fate as that of my F1 career i.e. Shuru hone se pehle hi khatam) I once had one of my friends telling me to drive fast in Chandigarh because he was going to miss his favourite serial!! Which one, do you ask? Well, ‘Des Mein Nikla Hoga Chand‘ of course!!! I couldn’t believe that the guy sitting behind me on a Bullet ACTUALLY LIKED one of those weepy soaps. But people are strange, you know ….

In this particular episode which I had to tolerate, a guy is shown asking Pammi to come and see him “… bas ek aakhri baar…” (How many times have we heard this line? Itni ginti to mujhe school mein bhi nahi sikhayee thi!) Pammi addresses the guy by the name of ‘Raj’. I, being as confused as ever, am asking questions and my mom trying to convince me in vain that all this isn’t as crap as I might be thinking due to my limited exposure to ‘GHARELU’ soaps. The conversation, originally in Panjabi but translated for masses, went like this …

Me:– Who is this guy?
Mom: Yeh Dev hai.
Me:– Par yeh Dev thode hi hai. Yeh to Raj hai. Dev to vo doosra wala nahi tha?
Mom: Yehi Dev hai. Usne iski shakal badal di.
Me:– Usne??? Kisne?
Mom: Rohan ne.
Me:– Kyu? Rohan ne kaise badal di? (Shakal hai ke shirt?! ... ke jisne chaahe, jab chaahe badal di!)
Mom: Vo ilaaj ke liye aaya tha aur isne iski shakal hi badal di.
Me:– Ooooohhh … Achcha, achcha. (Like that explained everything. But I'm none the wiser.)

By now, Pammi has come to meet Raj (Dev?!) in a garden … and it is night time. (Ab koi mujhe bataye ke kaunse ‘sharif’ gharane ki bahu-betiyan raat to kisi ko bhi milne bagichon mein ghoomti firti hain?)

Me:– Par agar iski shakal badal di hai to yeh bol ke to bata hi sakta hai ke ye Raj nahi Dev hai. Yeh Raj ban ke kyu ghoom raha hai?
Mom: Arrre iski yaadasht chali gayi hai. (OoooKaaay. To kahani mein twist hai. Aise twist to purani hindi filmon mein hote the. Par baat ab samajh mein aa rahi hai thodi-thodi)
Me:– Achcha, achcha. To yeh Dev hai jiski yaadasht chali gayi hai aur yeh Raj ban gaya hai.
(... there is silence for a while .... par mere dimaag ke ghode abhi bhi daud rahe hain)
Me:– Par agar iski yaadasht chali gayi hai aur ise khud hi nahi pata ke ye Dev hai to fir Pammi ise kaise Dev samajh rahi hai? (Bolo Bolo Tell Tell)
Mom: Offf Oooh. (a bit irritated) Pammi ne Rohan ke computer mein Dev ki photo dekh li thi par Rohan baat ko taal gaya. Isliye Pammi ko shaq hai. Changa, hun mainnu serial dekh lain de.

Till then, the mid-night garden tete-a-tete between Pammi and Raj (Dev?!) is over and Pammi returns home fully convinced that Raj actually IS Dev. Later she asks for a divorce from Rohan. (Yes, yes, she had married Rohan thinking Dev to be dead! But now that she knows the Sachchai, how can she remain married to Rohan.) Parivaar par pahaar toot para. Everyone is dumbstruck. High volume background music and compulsary close-up shot of entire star-cast is in order. Lo and Behold, it happens! Eyes wide open, some filled with tears, mouths agape, quivering lips and all that. I’ll never know whether these close-up shot sequences are in alphabetical order or according to the seniority of the star-cast, … or according to the height of the actors to minimise the adjustment of the camera position! Anyway, Rohan rushes out of the room, all fuming.

Next scene : Raj (Dev?? … whoever) is shown sitting on a garden-bench, playing a mouth-organ. (!!!) (I mean, c’mon. A mouth-organ!! … in the mid of night … and in a garden!! How can anybody make a whole family sleepless and then go to a garden to play a tune on mouth organ??!!)

Mom:O vekh. ‘Tune’ vi ohi vajaa reha hai jehdi Dev vajaounda hunda si! See? He IS Dev.

I’m rolling my eyes and shaking my head. If he doesn’t even remembers himself or his past then how come he remembers a ‘tune’? And if he doesn’t remembers anybody else then how does he ‘remembers’ Pammi? And why is he pestering Pammi?! I needed immense will-power to stop myself from banging my head on a wall!!

But my attention turns back to the TV screen when the camera, from a low angle, shows a shadow approaching Raj (Dev?!) from behind. A baseball bat flashes through and Raj (Dev?!) slumps to the ground holding his head. The assailant brings out a gun from his pocket and shoots rapidly on Raj/Dev. (Arre bhai, agar bandook jeb mein hai to yeh baseball kit saath lekar kyun ghoom raha hai? ... ab main apne baal na nochun to aur kya karun?!!) And predictably, the assailant turns out to be Rohan. Thank you very much.

Now the thing worrying me is that the kids, in our very homes, are taking their life-lessons from such serials. Serials where extra-marital affairs, divorces, murderous plans, ‘Barbaad karne ki kasmein‘ etc are staple fare. Revenge is the motto of life. Where the only kind of love is ‘Obsessive love’. Children born out of wedlock resurface after 20-25 years to claim ‘Baap ka pyaar‘ and ‘Maa ka adhikaar‘. Where there is politics between Saas – Bahu or Choti Bahu – Bari Bahu to let each other down. Where all that the male characters seem to be doing is to play in the hands of their ever-scheming wives and show anguish over ‘Ghar ke haalaat‘. Despite the lavish lifestyles, nobody seems to be doing anything except plotting. Male members go to office, only for some more politics. I’m not sure what kind of businesses are they running but I’ll sure love to have one of my own where you get huge bunglows and big cars by doing NOTHING!! Only the naiveness and stupidity of the characters moves the story forward, if there is any story at all, that is.

Ask any school going kid who wrote any of their text-books and they will dig their left toe in ground, grin and say “Pata nahi.” But ask them who made these ‘GHARELU’ serials and they are all excited when they say “Ekta Kapoor”. They even know, “She is Jitendra’s daughter”. I mean, I’m not talking about any leading star but a PRODUCER!! They even know who the producer is! They can tell you all about what is happenning in Parvati’s or Tulsi’s house, but might not be able to tell their own grandfather’s name! They think that speaking out aloud and making evil facial expressions while thinking is perfectly normal.

Another thing that bugs me to the hilt is the overuse of the theme songs as the background music. On the slightest pretext, the music comes to the foreground in full blast while the actors display their range of melodramatic expressions. It doesn’t matters what the situation is – happy, sad or anything, the same record is played everywhere as in Kyonki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi. Is the music director underpayed or what? Or is that the best he can do? There are better ways to cut costs, if thats the intention. Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki finished 3 years of its “successful” run that day (I know because my folks went on to see that ‘Congratulatory episode’ too!!), and I realised that they have been playing the same music every night for the LAST 3 YEARS!! I have this feeling that the ‘die hard loyalists’ of these soaps are now chanting even their morning Aartis in the tunes of their favourite soap theme songs!! Just imagine for a second, ‘Om Jai Jagdish Hare‘ set on the tune of ‘Kyonki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi‘!!

Post Edit : I’m sure these guys are also proving to be a nightmare for the General Insurance companies with one car accident a week on an average. Anybody who is a bit ‘upset’, chaabi ghumata hai aur gaadi lekar nikal padta hai! After that they pretend to drive at light speed while the car is actually moving only at 23.5 kmph (Bachcha samajh rakha hai kya??)They look like those kids who are sitting on their ‘Tobu’ cycle and pretending to be driving the Bat-car!! Then they choose a sturdy looking tree and try performing the ‘monkey climb’. But of course the car refuses to do so and stays at the bottom. And quite predictably, nobody is wearing a seat-belt (and air-bags are only a distant dream yet). A good smaritan deposits them at a hospital and their “Main kaun hoon? Main kahaan hoon?” drama starts. Yaadasht ko to ECE ka bulb samajh rakha hai. Apni marzi se ON - OFF karte rehte hain.

Btw, one thing i’ll never be able to guess is how did Rohan KNOW that Raj/Dev is playing his fovourite tune, sitting on his favourite bench in his favourite garden ??!!!

Posted in Humor. 1 Comment »